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Monday, November 21, 2016

There will be no "adulting" today.

It's been a LONG long time since I have been in this place, this beat, lacking so much energy to cope. I know I did it to myself and I do not regret a single thing along the way that got me here. And, though it's been a long time, it is not an unfamiliar place. A career that includes deadlines and working with other people and large projects tends to promote big "ups" and "downs" of similar size. In the beginning -- back when I was closer to being able to channel unlimited energy for indefinite periods of time, the "downs" terrified me. With no idea when the next project would show up on my doorstep, my first reaction was that there would not be another one. But after a few rounds of the overwork/terror cycle, it became obvious that there WAS another waiting in the wings, often just out of sight until I was sufficiently recharged to see it. And from that observation I was able to learn to fall into the "down time recharge" with a similar eagerness as that which which I approached the next "big thing." And when I did that, the cycles tightened up a bit, which was not a bad thing; as the recharge became more conscious and efficient the projects were also completed with shorter timelines.

Even though I am no longer in the workforce, the cycle continues. With age, though, appears to come less resilience. Last week brought the final push to completion of a big project, a bit of energy put into shoveling out the house from the neglect that comes with hyper-focus on another area and then two days of away missions for events. I held it together last night for a visit with family, driving my people-packed little truck through the dark and inclement weather to Bangor for a celebratory meal and back. I made a stab at a spinning lesson and another stab at chatting and in the end fell into a deep sleep.

Today I feel like I could sleep the day away. I did give the forenoon to somnolence and now, more or less awake, I am less conscious than more so. Glad that nothing important requires my attention; there are no bills that must be paid, K did chores, and though there are always house chores to be done (fridge needs a
good cleaning) there will be no real efforts to accomplish anything today on my part. I don't plan to go back to bed; I was just getting my schedule sorted out after the long nights on the book project. But I am honestly not "in here" enough to do anything that requires effort or much thought.

As one of my online friends says "I cannot adult today." That just about fits what I am feeling. I will try again tomorrow.